It’s 4 AM, And Here I Am Crying

 I still haven’t slept yet. I’ve seen 3 movies and here I am wide awake but puffy-eyed.

I miss my mom. I really miss her. Last Friday, I told a friend about my mom (he doesn’t know much about her and what happened to her). And I thought I’d be stronger now talking about my mom but then, I still cried. And now, at 4AM… I am crying.

It has been a year and almost 1 month that I’ve lost her. I’ve always tried to remember the good times more than the bad times with her but it’s not easy. I still haven’t forgiven myself fully for not loving her as much as she deserved. Maybe I am not the worst daughter in the world but  I know I was not a good one. I want to forgive myself but I don’t feel worthy of that forgiveness. I know my mom would want me to stop thinking this way and even when it comes to this, I have failed her.

I have lots of regrets and I know there’s no way for me to change things anymore. I miss my mom. I really miss her. I think that’s all I could ever say. I miss the times when I could still hug her and kiss her. I miss holding her hands. I miss being taken cared of my mom when I’m sick. I miss her cooking. I miss her thoughtfulness, her cuteness, her beauty. I miss  my mom’s love. Every time I cry like this, I always think that I would always have this moment in my life until I die. I would never ever be able to get over this longing. Maybe I’d be happy again one day but it won’t be a complete happiness. I hate to sound pessimistic but I know it’s the truth. I miss my dad too. I miss both of them. I miss having parents. I miss being a child. Because now, I should be an adult but I feel like a little girl every time I think about them. I don’t know who to talk to about them. I have a sister but I don’t want her to be sad because I am sad. I wouldn’t always talk to my friends about this loneliness, I know I could but I wouldn’t. I know I’m not the only person who feels sad. I don’t want to be that friend who always talks about sad things. Same goes for R… I know he wants me to talk to him about anything but then… I don’t want to sound like I’m the saddest girl in the world.  I’m a hypocritical. I know. So I guess this is why I write here. Because only a few people that I know of in real life know about this blog, mostly strangers who, probably, have read maybe 1 or 2 entries here. I am stupid.  I know.  I still talk to friends about my loneliness but I try not to do it too often.

I wish I will dream about my mom and my dad tonight. The kind that feels so real. The kind in which I would be able to talk to them. The kind that you would feel the embrace when I see them. I miss being a daughter. I miss them. a lot.

Mama and Papa, I love you. See you in my dreams.

R

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