Loneliness

Loneliness –

  • : sad from being apart from other people
  • : causing sad feelings that come from being apart from other people

(As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary)

And I thought I already know how to deal with this feeling but up to now I still fail miserably every time. I am a disappointment to myself. I hate that I still feel sad when I am alone with myself. It doesn’t happen all the time but I hate that it still does.

I don’t know.

I have someone who is not close to me physically but I know he’s there. I have been trying to prove myself that I can be by myself and still be happy and strong. I know I am but I know I am not doing well. I suck. Of all people, I should be the one slaying loneliness because I have been fighting loneliness for a long time but it seems like loneliness is still slaying me up to now. I should have gotten used to sadness and I shouldn’t be feeling too much sadness anymore. I have experienced a lot of and almost all kinds of sadness so I shouldn’t be feeling like how I am feeling right now about loneliness. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I just want to write what I am feeling right now. I am lonely. I am really lonely. I hate to admit it but I am a needy person. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to need someone but I do and I don’t like it. I don’t want to need someone because I don’t want to be a burden. I should know how to live my life by myself… Without wanting to be part of someone’s life. By now, I should know how not to need to talk to someone every feeling that I have because almost everyone I love is not around anymore. So I should have learned by now not needing anyone to listen to me. But all these things I should have learned… that I thought I already knew… Is everything I am failing to do.

I wish I were a happier person. Not the kind that tries so hard to be happy. I wish I could make myself really happy… and then maybe I would never be lonely.

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