Subject: Making a List – Pros and Cons

25 February 2017

Dear R,

Last night we had a long talk. This time it was consistently serious. I know that you’re having a hard time deciding whether to go to Australia or not. Your working holiday visa will expire soon so you have to decide if you should go for it or not. We’ve been having talks about it. We’ve been trying to find a way for me to go there as well. For almost a year, you have been motivating me to find a way to start a new life for myself somewhere else… because you knew that’s what I wanted. I feel guilty because up to now, it seems like I’m stuck in this situation. I’ve tried to apply, maybe a thousand times already, to different companies from different countries. But I got no invitations nor interview. I have tried to be as positive as I can but sometimes, it feels like the universe doesn’t want me to have that new life. Most of the time I blame my financial incapacity, my 3rd world citizenship, and even my capabilities. You have always been supportive of me. You always try to remind me that I should be positive because all things are possible. Maybe it’s quite complicated to achieve what you want but still, possible. For almost a year, you have been suggesting ways on how we could be together. For almost a year, I’ve been trying my best to fulfill what I want. I want to start a new life… and I am hoping to start it with you.

There are several times when I even question why are you still around. Not that I want you out of my life but because I know how easy it is for you to just leave; because in the first place, we’re not even physically close to each other. And during those times, I wanted to either slap myself because I am an idiot for not realizing that you like me that much or pinch myself because I should wake up from my dream. I like that you like me because I love you and I am in love with you, but sometimes it feels like I am just dreaming because I have someone like you. You are not into this kind of relationship, you’ve been honest with me. Sometimes when we’re talking on hangouts or whatsapp, you would joke about talking to a cyber girl. Sometimes you feel like you’re in the movie “Her.” And I would admit, I feel sad about it. I know that I make you happy, that you enjoy talking to me but somehow I feel guilty because of the things we couldn’t do together… like watching a movie, sharing food, going out on dates, fooling around, horseplaying, going on holidays, hugging, kissing… and a lot of other things. I feel guilty because I know you can get those from someone else. You are a very attractive and awesome person. I know girls will run after you (it even literally happened before). I just feel bad that maybe I am being selfish because I want to keep you for myself. I don’t even know when and how I will be able to be with you. And I know you don’t deserve this kind of life. You make me happy but you deserve to be happy, really happy. And I want to find a way how to give that happiness to you.

Before I met you, I had no idea of what I want to do in my life. I just try to get by each day. Yes, I had plans like traveling with my sister and friends, and even on my own. I didn’t know what I want to do with my life. I couldn’t see any future for myself. This might sound like a cliche meeting you made a difference. I didn’t expect you in my life. You were just someone whom I’ve decided to host at my place when the other person backed out. But then, you turned out to be that person who made me feel that I want more to what I think I could just have. You are that person who was consistently and perseveringly reminded me that I deserve more than what I think I do. And I want to be with that person… I want to be with you. You’ve always said that we should build dreams depending on the people around us because we don’t know when those people could stay with us. And among all people, I know I am the one who knows too well and agrees with you on that one. But then I realized that even if it’s true, it’s inevitable. As the saying goes, “No man is an island.” We are a social being, maybe not everyone is a social butterfly; some are socially awkward, and some are anti-social and yet, in little ways, we still deal with other people. People who have found someone they enjoy spending time with, or someone who they long to be with or someone who makes them feel alive, or simply someone they love… it is not possible to not consider building one of your dreams with that person. It is not only because it feels like you have a direction in your life now, it’s not because you have someone you can depend on, but it’s because you want to share that future and the happiness you know you’ll find together.

Last night, I asked you to write the pros and cons of going to Australia. You finally did and showed me. Of course, you still haven’t decided. there was one in the positive side, it was erased but it looked like you started writing my name. I am not sure. Before you wrote the list, we talked about your hesitations to go to Australia and also, why you want to go to Australia. I knew that I was also one of the reasons why you wanted to go there. We plan on staying together in Australia. You don’t intend to stay there for permanently. Moving there for me entails a lot of things to give up. My job, my sister, my cats, few friends, and the apartment I’m living in with my sister. I am scared and worried about it because I know there is a chance that I have to go back home if I couldn’t get or keep a job and if my visa expires. Worst case scenario, you would have to leave Australia too. But I am that willing to try yet I have lots of things to worry about because it seems quite impossible for me to go there. I couldn’t get a job because the job usually requires a visa (they don’t really offer sponsorship). I couldn’t get a working visa because I don’t have an employer and then I go back to the previous situation. We were resorting to getting a student visa but then it requires a lot of financial stability which I don’t really have. I would have to enroll in a school and should have enough funds. You are willing to support me financially but it bothers me because I know you have yet to find a job there. I don’t want to be a burden to you but a lot of times that I feel desperate that I want to take that offer because I really want to be with you. I have tried asking my sister and my best friend to help me financially, not really spending their money, but borrowing it just to show that I have funds. But I still am left with the problem, what am I going to spend while in Australia? I have some money in the bank, and it won’t be enough. I still feel though that I don’t care if I spend it, even if I have to go back to the Philippines and I won’t have any money. But you, you wouldn’t want anything like that. You don’t want me to spend all of my savings. So it’s really a complicated situation for the two of us.

I’ve always felt that you really wanted to go to Australia. It was last night that I have learned why you want to. It wasn’t the main reason but I know it was a big factor. When you told me that, I felt a lot of things. It became clear to me why you think going to Australia is good but then I couldn’t really tell how I feel. I’ve always thought that you wanted to go to Australia because you want us to be together. That was true but not just because of that. As how I understood it, it’ll be where we can test the waters. It was like, we’ll see if living together will end up good for our relationship or it’s going to tell us that it won’t work. You would like to do that in Australia because it’s nearer for me, because it’s an English-speaking country, because it’s going to be a new country for the both of us, and it is more possible for me to find a job there. While if it’s in France, it’ll be more difficult for me to adjust, it’s farther for me, I might not be able to find a job because I don’t speak French and even if I do, maybe I wouldn’t really understand things right away. You were worried about these things because you were thinking one of the possibilities that could happen… what if, things won’t work out and we can’t see each other again? You would need to leave and you would be worried about me. You think it’ll be difficult for me if I am left alone in France than in Australia. I was left speechless. It was one of the times in my life where I was confused what I was feeling. You were talking to me about something that people wouldn’t want to hear but I got your point. It felt like my eyes were covered and it dropped the blindfold. It came across my mind before but I never really focused on it. I was too focused on wanting to start a good life with you and just enjoying it once I got my hands on it, and I simply turned a blind eye on the issue. And now, I have to really consider this.

The things you’ve said and how you said them, it was one like the first time it felt that someone is truly being honest with me. It was sad, of course… you even told me not to be sad and I said, “I am not sad.” I couldn’t feel sad because it made me feel really cared for, respected, and trusted. It wouldn’t be easy for someone to tell another person about the possibility of not working out a relationship, especially if you are actually in a good one. But it’s a reality and possibility, yet it doesn’t mean that’s what you want to happen. I didn’t talk to you about how I felt about it because I want to think about it first. I wanted to say a lot of things then but I didn’t. All I know is that I know why I love you and that I was right in loving someone like you. I am just unsure I am the right person to love you not because I don’t love you that much  (I do) but I am worried if I’ll ever be able to find a way to be with you. Because of this uncertainty, I have doubts if could give you the love that you deserve. I could work on it for as long as I have to and as much as I have to but I am worried that maybe because of me, you’re letting good things pass you by. I just know that I love you so much that I want you to be really happy. I love you so much that I don’t want to just think about myself. So for now, I guess I can be slightly selfish by keep on hoping that you won’t stop wanting to be with me so we want the same thing.

I still don’t know how to talk to you about what you’ve said yesterday, I hope you’re not worried that you made me sad. No, you didn’t… in fact, I am even more in love with you.

Love,

R

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