Subject: i want to be a happy person

27 September 2016

 

Dear R,

I feel lonely again.

 

It’s 7:44 AM and haven’t slept yet. 😦 I can’t stop thinking and wishing when I would be really happy again.

 

I am scared. It’s because I know that I will always have this moment… when I start to miss my parents. I am worried that I won’t be able to control myself of this sadness. I am worried that if we’ll be together, and then I would suddenly cry and not be able to stop it, it’s going to make you worry… or worse, make you annoyed. I am overthinking right now, i know. But it’s because I don’t know if it’s even possible to fix this brokenness. I want to be happy but I don’t know if I could assure you that I wouldn’t be crying anymore about my parents. It would seem like nobody could ever make me happy BUT it’s not like that. And I don’t want you to ever feel that way… but I am worried I might fail because I am lonely. I don’t know how to explain why I have these anxieties. I don’t know how to describe how I feel about having lost both of my parents to cancer at an early age. I know how friends and family wants to make me believe that they are there for me… that I could still be happy… BUT I could never make them understand my sadness and I wish I could. Why? So that they won’t think that I choose to be lonely and that it’s my choice to feel this way. I wish you would never think that way about me because if it was that easy to get this feeling away from me, I would do everything for that.

 

I always knew that being with me wouldn’t be easy and wouldn’t always be fun and I don’t feel good about it. It’s like being that person in a relationship who needs and asks too much… and I have always wanted to be that person who gives more than who asks. And for this, I feel unworthy to be with someone. I want to be with you but like what I’ve told you before… I don’t want to be a burden. And I think that of myself even if you don’t think of me as such.

 

I could be the girl who will require a lot of your patience and understanding because I don’t want to make you feel frustrated whenever I feel like this. I don’t know when and I am not sure if I’ll ever be a really happy person… But what I can assure you of, you make me happy, I want to be happy and I am working on being happy.

 

Goodnight, R. 😘

 

x,

R

 

 

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