Constant Conversations

There’s a song by Passion Pit entitled “Constant Conversations” and has the lyrics:

Yeah they love you when they need you
But someday you’re gonna need to
Find some other kind of place to go, oh

Today has been short and unproductive for me. A wasted day. I woke up at around 2PM and then went back to bed and then woke up again at 430PM. I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed in bed for hours. My sister and her boyfriend were at home but I felt alone. Sometimes I wonder if I’m better of living alone, at least I won’t expect anyone who lives with me in the same house to talk to me.

I don’t have many friends. And recently, I have realized I don’t have many single friends. Sometimes I think about wanting to have a trip and I want to ask some friends to come with me. But most of my friends either has a boyfriend or a husband, so it’s quite impossible not ending up as a third wheel or a chaperone.

I am okay with hanging out with friends with their boyfriends or my sister with her boyfriend but sometimes, I just feel that I need an undivided attention. Let me just reiterate… SOMETIMES. I guess I said that because I know I can’t expect constant conversations or quality time from a friend or a sister. They have a life of their own and I know that. Although it would be wonderful to have that go-to person… ready, willing and happy to have any type of conversations with you. I have realized how lucky I was when my mom was still alive. I miss having that person who has an undivided attention for you. That person you know who will not feel it’s an obligation listening to you… instead it’s like a privilege to them (especially those moms whose kids have grown to be teenagers who spend more time with friends more than their family). I miss talking to someone who’s happy that you have chosen to open up to them. I miss talking to someone who won’t judge you. I miss having someone who waits for you to talk to them. I miss someone who says the most comforting words that you need even before you tell them how broken your heart is. I miss someone enjoys talking to me. I miss my mom.

Sometimes I still wonder if I’ll be able to survive living alone. I can be by myself but I know how good it feels having ¬†someone wanting to be with you.¬†For a long time, I didn’t have to worry about these things because I had my mom… but now she’s gone and all I could ever do is learn how to be happy being with myself and maybe hope that there’s a chance that someone would be happy to be with me.

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