Subject: I Went Out On A Date… With Myself

Dear R,

So I did not go to work today. It’s a holiday and I thought I should extend my weekend until today. My sister and her boyfriend have been away for  5 days now and I’m quite bored at home that I was thinking of going to see a movie. I was a bit uncertain if I should because that means spending money. Anyway, before I have decided to finally see the movie, we had a chat and it was because I have decided to message you first. We probably wouldn’t be talking recently if I haven’t initiated a conversation. Unfortunately, it feels like things are a bit different now. I don’t know if I’m just being emotional because it’s the time of the month or am I just really a paranoid person. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know 😦 I’m trying to be as normal as possible and look at things positively.

To be honest, I am ashamed of myself. Why? Because I shouldn’t be feeling sad. I’ve been lucky that you have been calling me a lot before. You told me before that you don’t even call your family that often. And now that you’re getting a bit busier, I am starting to feel lonely and I know I shouldn’t. I guess I’m not really paranoid, maybe more like scared. I thought I’m stronger now, after all I’ve been through before. I think I’ve convinced myself that I have changed… that I am not scared anymore of being alone; that I am not going to be too attached to people so when they decide to leave me, I would still be okay. I hate this irony within myself. I want to present this strong person to the people around me, making them feel that I know and I can love without being a burden to someone. But deep inside, I still feel that I am just a liability. I just keep on denying that I am not a damaged person because I have picked up pieces of me and I am whole… but in reality, I am beyond repair. Who would want to be with someone who feels this way? No one. I am ashamed that I could say these things now. I am scared that I could say these things again. Why am I ashamed? Because I’m a hypocrite. I pretend to be that strong person, the one who has learned a lot of things from her experiences. I pretend that I know how to live because I know what death has brought to my family. I pretend that I know how to love when in fact i don’t. Why am I scared? Because I know everything I am saying now is making me less likely to be attractive. Who would waste his time dealing with this stuff? No one. And I wouldn’t want to be with someone out of pity. Who would want to be with a girl who has this kind of self-esteem? Yes, I am scared because despite these things I am writing now, I don’t want to scare you away.

I am not always like this but I will not lie that I am frequently like this. I hate it. I hate it when I am like this. For the past days, I have been trying to think and see if I would enjoy my own company. To be honest, I did. I’m not the best but maybe if you’re looking for a boring person to keep you company, I am the best choice. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have much expectations that’s why I have enjoyed being with myself. But then, not everyone is looking for that kind of companion… I think it’s just me.

So I went to see the movie, “Train to Busan” and I really enjoyed it. I was alone but I enjoyed it. There was this girl on my right who was with her boyfriend. I found her really amusing. I don’t know. Her reactions were really funny. There was a scene where a corpse’s hand suddenly moved  and she shouted while everyone just jolted. Then a drama scene and I could hear her crying, like reeeeally crying… somehow like a little girl crying over a barbie doll who lost her head. And then there was this scene where the a**hole of the movie did something really terrible and the girl beside me was complaining to her boyfriend “Babe, this guy is really an a**” I thought that this girl is lucky to have a someone with her or she might have exploded if she tried to keep her emotions to herself if she was alone. But then, it made me ponder on something… am I stoic? am I incapable of feeling anything anymore? or am I an emotion control freak? SIGH. Once again, I am being a hypocrite.  I hate showing others how I feel but on the inside, I am exploding.

I don’t want to be alone but it feels like I deserve to be alone. I want to love but it feels like I don’t know how to. I want to not give up but I don’t even know what am I holding on to. I am a mess. I am a complicated person and all I want is someone who is not scared of being with someone who is inconsistently BUT still trying  to fight these battles in her head and her heart. This girl can’t guarantee that life with her is going to be easy but all she can guarantee is that she will not stop trying to love herself more while loving you and being loved by you. I don’t know if you think that “you” is actually you but it would really be nice if you think so too.

I still kind of hope that you’re not reading this. Yes, I am still scared that I am scaring you away. But if you’re not scared, please don’t make me feel and think that you are.

x,

R

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