Subject: It Feels Like I Am A Scarecrow

11 September 2016

Dear R,

I don’t know if you have read anything here. I kind of wish you haven’t. I don’t know, maybe you have… but we haven’t talked about it (yet). It just feels a bit weird writing to you on here… I could just simply say these things to you but I guess I don’t have the guts to do so.

I have been overthinking, as usual. Well, it’s a bit different since I have given you the link. You still message me and call me but there were some days when you never said anything. I didn’t message you either but I was dying to. I just thought that maybe you’ve read something that made you feel strange. Maybe I sounded like a crazy girl in this fucking blog. 😦 well, you did say “crazy girl” a few minutes after  I have sent you the link. Maybe you were just joking but then I’m thinking now, maybe it should be a hint to me that I’m too much for you. I don’t know. These days I’ve been trying to be just busy with work (and I have been) but whenever I get back home, especially for the past days, I felt really alone. My sister and her boyfriend went on a trip together and they’re away for 5 days. So I’ve been alone for 3 days now. On those 3 days, I was trying to convince myself to be as happy as possible just being with myself. I was kind of trying to make myself imagine my life being alone. Unfortunately, I am struggling with not feeling sad from time to time. I am not completely sad but I’m not completely happy either. I’m starting to hate myself again. 😦 Before I met you, I have accepted the fact that I’ll be okay being alone and now, I have that part of me that hopes that I won’t be alone. You have been busy going to different places, spending time with friends and family you haven’t seen in months. I’m glad you have been enjoying your time with them. Yet, I don’t understand myself why I feel like I miss you a lot when you have not called for a day or 2. I feel selfish and needy. I don’t like that I felt that way. I don’t want to make an excuse for feeling that way. I know I shouldn’t be feeling like that. I deactivated my instagram for a few days. I thought maybe it’s a good idea that I don’t see you posting on IG (and not saying anything to me), at least I could get myself thinking of other things. I was kind of torturing myself at the same time… because I know I want to see the places you’ve been to. I want to see the wonderful things you’ve seen. Somehow, it would make me feel like I’m with you. But then, I thought that maybe I should stop thinking that way. Maybe I think it sounds sweet but in reality, and maybe to you, it sounds creepy. I think I might be creepy. 😦 I don’t know why I even had the courage to give you the link to this blog. I was stupid. Maybe I interpret things too much… actually you said that to me earlier (because of what I’ve said about the 2 videos you’ve sent me). And maybe everything I’ve written on here, from the 1st letter I wrote to you… maybe I’ve misinterpreted everything. Maybe I just don’t realise it… maybe it’s just me. Maybe this thing is really  a one-sided thing. Maybe I didn’t even realise that I am a scarecrow. I scare you away even if I think I’m not doing anything wrong. 😦

 

I don’t know what I should do. 😦 I want to stop wanting. I want to stop wanting what I’m not even sure I can have. I am really disappointed with myself. It feels like I just want to stop looking forward to good things. I hate sounding gloomy. I hate sounding negative. Every time I try not to be like that, the sad girl in me wrestles really good and the happy girl in me is slowly losing to her. I love myself but I have this constant battle in my head if I deserve being loved. I don’t know. I’m sorry.

 

x,

R

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