Subject: There is a Lump in My Chest, Literally and Metaphorically.

27 August 2016

Dear R,

Today I did not go to work. I was with my sister the whole day and we went to see a doctor. She was feeling dizzy the other day and she wants to know what’s wrong with her. I thought maybe I should get myself checked up as well.

I’ve been planning to get some examinations. I had my ear checked; the doctor cleaned it, as well as my nose; nothing wrong with either of them. Good. Then I had my eyes checked too, still 20/20 vision. Good. Then I went to see a Family Medicine doctor because  I want to ask for a request for a blood chemistry test. She asked me why I want to have that because it’s usually done for older people and she also asked me if I was feeling anything different. I told her about my family history, that my mom and dad had cancer. I told her that I want to know what kind of tests I should take because of that history. She asked me if I’m doing breast exam regularly and I told her “no.” It’s because I don’t know how to really tell if there’s something or not. So she asked me if I want her to have it checked now, and I said “sure.” She checked the right side first then the left one. She stopped and made me feel something on my left boob. And I did feel something. 😦 And then I felt different. Bad. She told me that she’ll request for an ultrasound on my breast. Remember the sound of her  disapproval earlier on my blood chem request? While she was writing down the ultrasound request, she now agreed to my blood chem request.  I don’t know if I should be happy that I could get that blood chem test that I wanted in the first place (well, I only wanted to know my cholesterol and sugar but not this kind really, but anyway…), now I will be getting it but it kind of worries me. She told me that if it doesn’t hurt when I touch it then most likely it’s benign but better to get the ultrasound first. I remember telling her that my period ended just this week. So I’m hoping it’s just the hormones. So I went to check for the availability of the doctors but they’re not available so it means I’ll have to check by next week when I can have the ultrasound. I wanted a lady doctor and the available ones are on Wednesdays. Somehow I thought it’s a good thing because maybe by then, there’ll be no lump anymore because it’s more than a week after my period ended but then, I thought I’ll have a few more days that could make me a bit paranoid. 😦

After seeing the doctor, I didn’t know how to tell my sister about it but I told her too casually. I don’t know. Maybe because I don’t want her to worry too much but a lot of things already ran in my mind. Unfortunately, negative ones and I hated it. My only wish to God that I really want to happen is for neither my sister nor myself undergo the same situation as with what happened to my mom and dad. It’s not fair. And really tiring and draining and heartbreaking. All I wish to God, after all those that happened to our family, my sister and I deserve a happy life. I might sound too demanding but I really want a happy life. I’ve always told people, and I have told you how I feel like I have accepted that I will be alone forever; that maybe I won’t have a family of my own, no kids, no husband but I know that’s the part of me that’s hypocritical. Maybe… I want to feel like I deserve to have those in my life. I want to feel that kind of happiness. But now I am scared. I don’t want to be but I really am.

I don’t want you to worry about me but I couldn’t help but tell you what happened. We haven’t really talked much about it today because I was out for a whole day and you were also out on the road, I guess. Right now, I just want to forget all my worries and talk to you. I hope I’ll be able to talk to you before I go to bed.

Once I told my best friend that maybe one reason, that I keep on denying myself, why I want to be with you is because I envy the family you have. I mean, I know it’s not perfect but still, it’s like you still have a complete set and all I have is my sister and I miss having a lot of loved ones around me. You know how from 7 in the family,  my sister and I are just down to 2.  You know that I’ve been through 5 deaths, wakes, and burials of my family members. Maybe I am just too ambitious that I imagine that if we become a couple, you would introduce me to your family and then maybe they will like me and then I will have a big family again. I’ll have brothers, another sister, a mom, a dad, more grandparents and of course, you. But I am worried because what if there’s a lesser chance for that to happen? I mean, before… I don’t even know if it’s possible; now, it might even be less possible. I know I am being negative now and worried, but how should I stop feeling this way? I know my sister is also worried for me and I don’t want her to feel that way. All I want is a normal life. I just want to feel that I deserve a happy and normal life. Because right now, it feels like I don’t that’s why I have this thing to worry about. I just want to finally be happy.

Tonight, I saw a movie, The Secret Life of Pets. I wanted to take my mind off this worry, it kind of worked but after the movie, it came back right away. Funny thing though, the name of the director of the movie is Chris Renaud. I don’t think it’s a common name but your name is his surname. You made me feel like you were there even if I was alone. Wish you were there though.

I have to wait until Wednesday for the test. It’s going to be a real struggle for me but I hope I’ll be optimistic and not worry about it.

Sigh.

I want to stop thinking about it so I guess I’ll end my letter here for now. I hope you’ll be calling soon.

Take care.

x,

R

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