22 August 2016
I’ve watched 2 Korean films today while ironing my clothes. It has been a boring day for me. Home alone. At one point, I wanted to go to the cinema and watch a movie by myself but then the rain made me too lazy and I decided to just stay in. I know how different we are when it comes to movie choices, I have surprised you with my unfamiliarity of your favorite movies. Being a French that you are and working in the film industry as well, your choices are way more classic, artistic and probably, “underground” for me. I’ve always told you that not all international films are shown here in the Philippines, mostly Americans more than Europeans. I kind of feel like my taste really sucks for you, but well.. you’ve been a bit nice about it though. I would like to watch those movies that you like… question is, how? I guess, it’ll have to wait for now. We’ve seen 3 movies when you were here (Batman V Superman, Demolition, The Criminal). You’re not fond of fictional movies, I’m okay with almost anything. You like movies that are nonfictional, and when it comes to relationships, it’s the same.
I guess when you say nonfictional it’s more like realistic and maybe conventional. We’ve talked about relationships before and to you, it seems that long distance relationships are “fictional.” Relationships to you must not be fictional because life is not like the movies. When you said that to me, I kind of already expected that… from the very moment we were talking about movies. You told me how strange it is for you to be in a relationship where you cannot hold that person, where you can only see the person in a video, where you have to wait for months or years before you see each other again… and it crushed my heart because I know it’s what you’d get yourself into with me; and since you don’t believe in that kind of relationship, it’s obvious there is no possibility of a relationship with me. Yet, I accepted that fact but… inasmuch as I would like to deny this, I have a different perspective when it comes to relationships.
I believe all relationships are both realistic and idealistic, the ratio differs though with the different types of relationships. We all have our ideals when it comes to relationships and it varies from person to person but I think generally, everyone wants the kind that lasts. In reality, nothing really lasts as long as we would like it to. So if we’re talking realistically, everything ends in death, even relationships. Now if we say that true love knows no end, then that’s being idealistic. Fictional.
Maybe I have watched too many romantic films, maybe I have the tendency to think and feel that my life is just like the movies. Yeah, I guess because somehow, despite the tragedies and sadness that I have been through, I am that kind of chick flick fan who wants to finally have a happy ending for herself (but to be honest with you, I don’t want an ending, I want a happy beginning).
My past relationships were like typical romantic movies except for the happily ever after part. There were twists and turns, crossing of paths and involvement of divine signs. It was crazy. I thought it was fun and cute and sweet, like being in your own movie… but now it kind of scares me because they didn’t end up well. And here you are… we both know and could tell that how our paths crossed aren’t really conventional. It was just like the movies. The times we’ve had, we’re having… the moments… the feelings… everything is not ordinary, I think we could even make a movie out of it. LOL. But seriously, it scares me because I’ve been through this movie-like relationships… and I don’t want another tragic one. But then… I have forgotten, you don’t even want to be in a relationship like this, so what am I worried about?
Last week, we have been talking quite frequently. We even had video calls which we haven’t had for days. During one of our voice calls and chats, you’ve told me that you want to see me and then I asked you why not call me and let’s have a video call. So you called me and we had a video call. You told me it’s strange for you to do video calls (even if we have done this before)… but we talked, I wanted you feel comfortable and also because I don’t want to make things awkward because I enjoy talking to you and seeing you. Surprisingly, you’ve been a lot sweeter despite of the video call… you were like a little boy giving me kisses over the phone. I don’t know how many kisses were they but probably around 999,999 🙂 I lost count of the “I want you’s” from you. Which was the biggest surprise this week because you’ve been very vocal about it. I got me crazy, the good kind of crazy. Maybe it’s not “i like you” or “i love you” but I’m hoping it means a lot to you. I’m sure it does. You have been asking me what time will I arrive in Paris so you could pick me up at the airport, and you have also been telling me to go to the airport and take the plane to Paris. I wish it was that easy. I’m sure you know how much I want to be where you are now. You said that when you told me that you wanted to see me, it’s in person and not in a video call. I would want the same too but it’s not easy. Sometimes at work, I’d suddenly tell my friend, “I wish that he also wants to be with me” or “I wish I could quit my job now and be with him and start our life together.” I like daydreaming about us… how we would see each other again and finally be together. It’ll be just like the movies, except that it’s going to be real for us.
We’ve talked about your plan, going to Australia later this year or next year and you told me to find a job there. And I would like it so much to work there and live with you. It’s not going to be easy for me though but I will find way, not because you told me to but because I want a new life and I want it with you. I will have to work really hard for this one, idealistic but not impossible. You’ve mentioned seeing me again in between leaving France and going to Australia – but to be honest with you, the next time we will see each other… I want us to be together for as long as possible.
During our calls, you’d tell me from time to time not to kiss my phone… because it’s strange but you have been doing it more than I. And it’s funny because you know it. So I asked you if you still feel strange about the video call… and you confidently said, “no.”
(You just called me on skype in the middle of this letter. Video call again and we talked about me getting a job in Australia and other stuff…. we talked for about 3 hours.)
During our conversation earlier, you asked me what I was doing with my computer and because I don’t lie, I told you I was writing. You asked what was I writing, I said it’s a letter. You asked for whom, and because I can’t tell you yet it was for you, I said for my blog. You were a bit surprised about it. I told you that it’s a blog that only a few people know about. I told you that I have shared the link to maybe less than 10 friends. Aside from them, it would only be those who stumble upon my blog. You wanted to read it but I told you that it’s not interesting for you. You asked why and I said it’s because I write long stuff. You asked, “So if you write long in English, you think it’s boring for me”? I said, “It’s not like that but they’re just too long and maybe it’s not interesting for you.” I was not trying to lie to you… I guess I was afraid that I might scare you away. so I tried to answer your questions indirectly. Somehow it felt like you were disappointed that I have not shared this blog with you… I felt guilty but then… I don’t know what’s going to happen once you have read everything.
It feels like you still like me but we talked about something earlier. We talked about marriage… well, the idea of marriage. I asked why don’t you believe in it, you said because it’s fake. I asked why do you think it’s fake, you said it’s because people cannot stay long in a relationship. I asked why do you think that, what about your grandparents? Have they been married for a long time? And you said “yes.” But you said that their generation is different. So I asked, “Why do you think that people cannot stay with someone for a long time?” and you said “Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t know them.” You even said that it’s boring to stay with someone for a long time. So I changed my question, I asked “Do you think YOU cannot stay with someone for a long time because it’s boring?” and you said “I don’t know… I don’t know myself.” and then I told you that I feel sorry for you. You asked, “Why, do you know yourself?” and without flinching, I confidently said “Yes.”
I knew it has gotten a bit serious but it has been one of the most honest conversations we’ve had. I was able to tell you what I think. You thought I was mad and sad… I was a bit sad but more like sorry for you. Unfortunately, you kind of made fun of what I’ve said and it was annoying and I’ve told you that. I guess you were trying to make it light. I don’t know. But I didn’t get mad, and I saw that you really needed to rest so I just told you that you should take a rest. I really feel sorry for you, I think what happened to your parents really affected you, I’m not sure.
Now, this becomes a lot more like the movies. In the sense that I want to be that character who will make a difference in the protagonist’s life. It’s not like I will make you believe in marriage. I just want you to see that not all people are incapable of staying with someone throughout one’s lifetime. I just want you to know that you are capable of being that person too… that you’re not going to be a failure or a disappointment because you are you. You are that kind of person and you just have to be with that person who would do the same for and with you… and I want to be that person… I am not sure if I will be chosen for that role but I will keep trying.
I like you a lot. You should know why. I hope you know why.
You like me a lot. I hope you would not get bored by me. 😛
You like me a lot, I think it’s because you know and you feel that I am different. I am not like just any other girls. You want me to be yours and I am yours.