Subject: Ballad of My Bipolar Heart

25 July 2016

 

Dear R,

Where are you?

Well, I do know where you are so maybe my question really is… where are we?

You’ve been busy working in Italy since last week and you said that the shoot for that location ends on Saturday (July 23). You said you were going to call me then… and I knew you wouldn’t. Somehow I was expecting you would but a big part of me knew you won’t be able to. And you didn’t. I don’t know why and somehow I think I have to admit that I don’t want to care at all. 😦

My bipolar heart strikes again.

I am fully aware that you’re busy and I know there’s a big possibility that we’ll start to talk less and I don’t know how to handle this. Sometimes I want to be all positive and nice… As if the world would award me as Ms Brightside because I would see things optimistically. Like if you start to get busy… I would then have more time to do other things (which I’ve done… Not a lot but at least some). And since I am occupied with other things, I won’t be tempted to message you and you would think that I am living my life “independently.” But these things also bring anxiety to my heart. Maybe you become too busy that you start forgetting about me. Maybe because I am busy you would think that I am starting to forget about you. And since I haven’t been sending you messages, you might think that I am mad (you always think that)… but I am not mad but I do get sad but I don’t want to tell you that because I don’t want you to think you’re the reason why. It’s not you, it’s not me (or maybe just slightly me) but it’s more of the circumstances. 😦

I told myself that I’m not going to expect anything, not even labels or promises or commitment… that I’m just going to enjoy what I have. I knew it’s not going to be easy and maybe that’s why my heart is bipolar.

Sometimes I just want to just strictly maintain friendship with you but in order to do that I have to stay away for a while… And I’m sorry to say that a lot of times my heart has been convincing me to do that. Sometimes my heart has been nagging me to stop thinking that way because it knows how persistent I am with the things that I want but my heart also tells me that you’re not a thing… you’re a person and it doesn’t only matter how persistent or patient I am… it also matters if you still want me and if you really want me. I think that you still like me but I have no idea how much do you like me… I don’t know what direction we are going. And when I start thinking about it, I begin to realize that I am expecting for something and I don’t want to expect and the only way for me to do that is to completely ignore what I feel… and how is that even possible? Do I even want that? Knowing myself… No, I don’t want that.

Everyday, my bipolar heart is torturing me with this ballad that runs in continuous loop… it keeps on repeating the same song, the same tune, the same chaos…

I hope that one day you will find a way to stop it playing and finally play a different song… the kind that soothes this confusion in my heart.

 

 

x

R

 

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