Subject: You’re Making My Heart Bipolar

11 May 2016
Dear R,

Since Friday you’ve been calling me (except yesterday but we were sending messages), everyday. It’s weird. It’s not like you. Not that I’m complaining. Of course I appreciate it, it’s not something I would expect from you though. But somehow it got me confused. You want me to live my life independently, you want me to not think of you everyday, you don’t want me to message you everyday, and I guess maybe you just want me to learn to live my life with less of you. And just when I am starting to withdraw from my addiction of you, just when I have started not to automatically check on IG and wechat as soon as I wake up but wait like 5 or 10 minutes more before doing that, just when I started to just let the universe work its way and for me to stop plotting on subtle ways to catch your attention… you consistently made it sure that you’re not fading away in my mind. You’re cruel, a bit. Yet I still like you a lot.

I like you but sometimes, I think I should really try not to like you too much.
Sometimes I think I should just think about other possibilities that could happen. You’re travelling, you will probably bump into a hot Korean girl and she’ll lose her balance and fall perfectly into your arms and she will give you that smile with her cute dimples on both of her cheeks just a bit under her eyes. Maybe when you get to Japan, you’ll meet a cute, petite girl on the train and you’d offer her your seat because you saw all the bags she’s carrying. And then maybe you two would start a conversation and continue on in a coffee shop. SIGH. I should really stop thinking this way but then sometimes I think it’s going to help me stop hoping. It’s not like I have given up on something good that can happen but I don’t want to cross that very thin line between having faith and expecting. It’s like walking on a tightrope but just with one leg.
I miss you and I wish I could be with you but every time  I remember what you told me, it makes me feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. I hope I am wrong, maybe I am. Maybe you still think about me… I don’t think you’d call me if you have forgotten about me, you could just simply stop keeping in touch.
Sometimes, I think that what you told me is the opposite of what you want me to do. Maybe you just don’t want to ask it from me and maybe you’re hoping I wouldn’t do it. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I am daydreaming.
Do you miss me? You never told me that ever since you left. I feel stupid thinking that somehow you miss me but maybe I shouldn’t feel that way because even if you don’t say those words, maybe you just prefer to show how you feel. You sent me some of my photos that you took when we traveled together. They brought back memories and feelings. And I missed you more. But then I get paranoid about maybe you’re now traveling with someone else. You’ve told me about some of them recently. Well, you showed me a video of you and some guys in the car. You never really told me about roaming around the city with a girl. Maybe you don’t want me to be jealous or maybe you just don’t have to tell me everything. I understand. To be honest, I might feel a bit envious because I miss going places with you but then I could say I’m not really bothered by it because I know what we had is different. I just wish it’s also how it is to you, I know  it was something special but then I wouldn’t know until something better comes by… I feel selfish because I want what we had to be the most special, like no one could trump what we’ve gone through. I don’t want to be selfish because I want you to be really happy and I want you to experience something really special because you deserve it. I’m just sorry to say that my being selfish is overpowering that thought because I really want to be that person to give you that kind of feeling. hahahaha. gaaahd, i am crazy. I don’t understand myself.
You know that you’re making my heart bipolar… and I think you’re the only one who could understand it.
I miss you. I know you miss me too.
x,
R
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