Subject: I am wearing the dress with pink flamingos, the same print as your boxers

4 May 2016

Dear R,

I miss you. The last time I wrote you a long email, you found it strange. Maybe if you were a mean person, you would have said that it’s creepy. I guess I am creepy.
For the past days, I’ve been trying not to message you often. To be honest, it wasn’t easy; it was making me sad. Despite of how it makes me feel, I still tried to do what you wanted me to do because I don’t want to scare you away or smother you. You live your life differently. You have been alone twice longer than I have been; you have probably gotten used to being alone much better than I have. I understand why you asked me not to frequently message you. Funny thing was, the day after you told me not to message/email you too often, I have decided not to contact you in anyway (even liking your posts on IG) and then you called me in the evening and said to me, “So no message or email?” and I found it really funny because you are confusing me. I did exactly what you told me to do and when I did, you wondered why there was nothing. You said that I am an all-or-nothing person. I guess I am but maybe I am not. Maybe I have no gray areas for my feelings for you but somehow because you don’t know what you want (when it comes to us), the things that I am certain of… they’re starting to turn into gray. Not that my feelings for you is fading but somehow, I just don’t want to expect for something and while I am falling and still in love with you, yet there’s no certainty in what we have… a part of me wants me to just stop making myself hope.
You told me to live my life independently. Maybe you’re telling me to do things without considering what you would say or think. I have been trying for the past weeks. I have been enjoying my time with friends but I still think of you. And, please don’t think that whenever I think of you, it’s making me sad. Well, I have to admit, sometimes it does… only because I miss you and the memories that I have of you, I want to do them again but I can’t. Whenever I think of you, it always gives me a smile on my face because every memory I have of you is a happy one. So even if I’m with my friends, I think about you because I wish that I could share those moments with you as well. I just want you to be part of my life.
I want to tell you how much I miss you but I don’t want to seem creepy to you. So I resort to just writing an email to you. An email I don’t even know if you’ll be able read one day. I made this email account for us but I haven’t even told you… I don’t even know if time will come when I’ll be able to share this with you. Maybe I am crazy, creepy, strange, clingy for creating this but I need a way for me to be able to tell you what I feel. I miss talking to you. I miss being listened to. I can still replay in my mind that look in your face when we had those serious talks. It made me feel that what I am saying is relevant. It made me feel important. Sometimes I wonder, despite your busy schedule with your trips, if you would suddenly remember me and the things we did, if you still remember the way I made you feel.
Gaaaahd, I miss you so much. I still daydream about winning jackpot in the lottery and just go where you are right now and be somewhere else with you.
*sigh* I wonder if you still like me. I wonder if it scared you when I told you that I love you. Did I tell you about my ex who told me that it scares him with how I love him? I hope I didn’t make you feel that way. Don’t worry, I love you but I am not expecting you to love me too. I’m just really glad that I’ve met you and you changed my life even for a short period of time, it made a lot of difference and I am thankful that you came into my life.
I miss you. I guess for now you’ll have to bear with me saying it again and again. Maybe one day, if you really think I should stop feeling this way, it’ll come… I just don’t know when and for how long.
I wanted to say sorry for missing you but I know I shouldn’t be sorry for how I feel. I guess I am just going to say sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable with they way I feel.
Anyway, I should go back to work. I hope you are safe in Korea. I hope you are enjoying your stay there. Please take care of yourself and don’t get into another accident. I miss you.
x,
R
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